Sex has not been on my mind much of late.

*pausing for all heart attacks on that remark….*

*….*

*smiles* Are we done yet?

It’s true. I haven’t been thinking about it much.

Well I think about it. I feel my libido. I am not paying it lingering attention though. I’m focused on other things.

I know. That’s rather dull material for a sex and relationship blog isn’t it?

Today I woke and decided that it was time to get out my glass toy and take care of the pressure of my libido. First time in about a week that I played.

*grins* Yup. A week.

And I’m content with that oddly enough. I would very much prefer more attention to sex. I miss feeling a man inside me very much. But I’m content with my infrequent attentions to my orgasm.

So what’s happening in my sex/love life? Well a fellow I’m interested in has bowed out for now…permanently? I don’t know. I miss his companionship, but he was indeed a distraction to my current focus…and I think to his current focus also. Perhaps after our mutual accomplishments are attended to, we can try again. Perhaps not. *shrugs* I hope we can. I like him very much.

I took his advice though and sought a nice friend to do sensual play and touch with. This has been an interesting journey for me. I have had to define what I think sex actually is. The last time I decided on celibacy, I was in my 20’s. I didn’t seek bdsm or sensual intimacies with anyone. I had fully clothed cuddle time with a woman friend occasionally while we watched a movie and other than that, I didn’t have any touch at all for over a year. I wanted to take better care of myself emotionally this time. So I sought someone who isn’t going to pressure me for sex…and I’ve defined what sex is to me:

Sex, for me, isn’t about whether or not I have an orgasm. I will have them just from bdsm and sensual play with no stimulation of erogenous zones at all. That’s how my body works. It is certainly not about whether or not a male partner has an orgasm…but it ~is about whether or not either of us has ejaculation….Since men can have orgasm without ejaculation, I don’t feel there’s any conflicts here between me cumming during sensual play and him not ejaculating. If he has an orgasm, I’m happy for him, but ejaculation and orgasm aren’t the same thing. So for me, that means that I don’t touch his genitals in any, but the most casual way, for instance bathing in the shower. I think sex would definitely be  any kind of penetration, even with a toy, so I’m not putting my mouth on parts or letting toys or fingers be inserted in me. I’m not letting anyone touch my clit or lingering long on touching my labia either. Basically this is all about sharing the sensuality of a sex date without the sex. Cuddles, bdsm, showers, naps maybe…just spending time with another human being in an intimate manner to share mutual nourishment through touch.

This is very much in keeping with the rules my play partner has for himself, so it’s working for me very well right now.

The experience of this new play partnership and the celibacy goal is bringing me back to rules I had before and during my marriage with poly partners. In this instance, I’m thinking more about my own submission than I am about taking it from someone. I feel pretty comfy with my relationship rules about that. There’s no conflicts there really. Anyway, this is what the submission offering rules used to be and what I am contemplating adopting again for conducting the development of a submission in my life:

  • No sex absent a real friendship. Friendship is earned through time and attention, face to face and without any reward of sex entering into things…not even the promise of a future reward of sex. Friendship has to be about sharing things other than sex in a meaningful way. Face to face too. I am looking for a man who is in complete control of his own libido.
  • No submission to someone who doesn’t make me a non-sexual play partner for awhile first. No submission to anyone who doesn’t first practice a basic and very simple service exchange of some kind first either. Both of these are face to face oriented experiences and I need to see that they are treated with enthusiasm, priority and reverence before I’ll agree to more. Outside those parameters, I’m not subservient and so I still expect my friendship to be treated with respect. I don’t have to be submissive to my friends and I expect to be treated like a peer with a perfect right to her opinion and that I be engaged on that level.
  • If a long term power exchange is the goal, then there can be gradual negotiations for more and more exchange of power…but it will not be an all or nothing proposition at the beginning and may never be a full power exchange. I expect I be felt valuable enough to a man that he would engage me without knowing he’ll ever get the reward of my full submission. It has to be about feeling I’m precious no matter what sort of interaction he’ll get to share with me.
  • I want stable sexual relationships with no fears of std’s. I don’t want a man with a herd. I’m looking for fluid bonded intimate partners.

Once upon a time this set of rules made me feel marvelous within my relationships because they were very developed friendships and were strong enough to weather bumps in the road and strong enough to continue absent sex.

In recent years, my libido was so pressing that I just couldn’t stick to my relationship rules. I think that I can’t expect self discipline and real attention to bonding with me from anyone else if I don’t give it to myself. So this is about my activity, not about anyone else’s. A man who complies with these rules and goals is going to be natural at having a relationship with me.

The play partner I have right now is interested in my friendship. He really listens and he’s very responsive to my needs. I appreciate him.It feels really good to be with him. I’ve played with him twice and its been marvelous each time. I’m looking forward to more play dates.

I have a conversation going with another fellow I like quite a bit. It’s a conversation only at this point. I will get to meet him for the first time in a few weeks. That will be fun. Dunno what will come of that. We’ll see.

I have a lunch time walking date with someone who just popped up again recently. We’ve talked before. Last year we had conversations for a month or two that just petered out because of distractions with our lives. *shrugs* Not really sure he’ll be a figure in my life, but its always fun to have a walking partner even if only for a time or two.

I’m enjoying my life right now. It feels simpler. More peaceful.

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