That may sound exciting…
It can be. It can be delicious.
It is also disempowering to me because it often distracts me from what’s really important to me…
What’s most important to me these days is being in the moment…not stretched out into the past or into the future panting after a cock or a heart or both.
A few days ago, my desire for someone was a hungry ghost inside me…I wanted to climb up him and ride him until exhausted and juicy all over.
My poetry reflected this.
As the days have passed, the desire for him is still there, but little by little I have seen a more cosmic desire grow in me…as if he’s not so much an individual I desire specifically, but something holy is awakening a desire in me through him.
I know this likely doesn’t make much sense to most readers. I guess I don’t really need anyone to understand necessarily…I am simply journalling here.
Yesterday, that desire for the holy, for touch, for the sensuality of loving became very quiet. I feel no less heated desire for this specific man than I did the day before, but it was quiet. As if a still pool in me, a source of nourishment…and my focus became almost entirely on the moment…and the loneliness abated almost completely.
Today I awoke with the desire for more of that peace and freedom.
It reminds me of a time in my life when I found peace from resentment. There were so many things I was angry about in my life that it was like an acid inside me…constantly burning…and when I set it down, I was shocked at how sweet my life was…how peaceful…and then I began to yearn for that peace so much, I couldn’t tolerate all that anger inside me and I worked hard and harder to let it all go completely.
Anger is generally non-existent in my life these days…I don’t even feel irritated most of the time. When life brings me to times when there’s lots of irritations in it, I realize I need change and I make it. I do that because I choose happiness, peace and freedom with my whole being.
Desire is starting to work very like this for me.
I am finding myself wanting to express it in poetic terms…but to do so from a perspective of the senses relating to the Divine in a man…and not with attachment to him specifically right now…
And beside this still exists the desire to share love and time with a man who is my friend.
It seems a different desire than what libido pushes to express…which is focused so much on orgasm and cocks and pussy.
This desire is about wanting to laugh, to cuddle, to listen, to touch…to share.
I wanted to stop the libido desire because it is the hungry ghost. I’ll never be able to fulfill it. It will always be hungry.
This is why the celibacy…
I know that the desire to share may be fulfilled…
So I focus on friendship and the holiness in the friends I choose…