Been a long while since I wrote here again. I am not feeling the need to update very often any more. Not much changes really from day to day…and what does change, seems more about personal centeredness than some event or troublesome emotion.
I wrote about a guy I went to the Flea with last time I posted here. It went bust. I’m not sure how exactly. I can only guess and I suspect that guess is accurate. Guessing aside, I know that he felt uncomfortable with me being smitten because he said so. I let it go and I let him go. I rarely flirt with him or even talk to him now unless he initiates it in a group setting. I don’t contact him privately. I’m sad about it, but I’ve accepted it completely and I’m untroubled by the outcome. It was a learning experience. I allowed things to move too quickly into intimacies. He didn’t know me well enough to trust me emotionally.
And at the same time I’ve had a friendship going with Ron…a very nice man who is a good deal younger than me. I am very attracted to him as a person. He’s warm and incredibly kind. I’m grateful for his friendship. He’s attracted to me. He wants us to have sex alot. He wants a lot of touch. He wants me to pay attention to him and talk to him a lot. I love him, but I simply don’t want as much connection with him as he does with me. And I feel uncomfortable with him as a result at times.
So…! I have finally learned why men feel uncomfortable with me sometimes.
And then there’s Vernon. Vernon is trying to garner my attention again. He keeps initiating contact…even showing up at events I’m at because he wants my attention. I am pretty much ignoring him beyond kindness toward a person who gave me a home and took care of me when I had surgery…but I’ve not the least interest in him again as a lover or as a dominant.
Anyway…It is what it is.
I’m having fun in my life.
And I’m taking my meditation practice very, very seriously. Each week that passes uncovers another layer of tension and I feel freer. I feel more rooted and happy. I feel lighter.
There’s more going on in me, but I guess I just don’t have words for it. There is the sense of change in the air. Mine…the world’s….Good change…scary change…But it doesn’t feel like a tsunami to me. It feel like a metamorphosis. It feels like needful unfoldment. It feels more than time. It feels like some of it will be very hard, some very easy, some will not even be noticed it is so subtle, but that subtle stuff will become the guiding force I think, and not the difficult stuff…at least not nearly so much as everyone else assumes it will.