Shortly before I split with my husband awhile back, I also lost touch with my family…my blood family I should say. I have a huge chosen family that I’ve stayed in touch with since I split with my husband. In the past couple years, I’ve had a strong pull to contact them. I haven’t though.
I am frankly, not sure why. I simply noted how resistant I felt about it and I waited.
Last summer I tried to contact my brother. My note was returned in the mail as “addressee unknown”.
Today I wrote to my aunt…My mother’s sister. For a time when she was a teenager, we shared a room. In some ways, she’s as much my sister as she was my mother’s as a result. My aunt is much closer in my age than to my mother’s. My aunt was my grandmother’s menopausal “oops” baby. It happens sometimes. My grandparents were thrilled because they’d tried for many years to have more than one child. They thought my mother would be it.
Anyway, I am thinking alot about connections and about loving. I decided that if I want to create a family with a new person, it would help if I clear up the unfinished business of the past. I wrote in hopes of that.
I am not sure what I’m looking for in sending this note.
Resolution internally I guess. Not so much externally. I am aware that its possible all or most of my family has passed away in my absence. Its been nearly four years. They might have moved somewhere and fallen out of touch completely. I may have to hire someone to find them. I might find they are bitterly angry with me for disappearing on them.
I walked away because they didn’t choose me. Its an old story. It doesn’t need retelling.
I’m walking back because it doesn’t matter any more if they chose me. I choose them. I don’t need them to choose me any more. I love them unconditionally. I suppose that’s the resolution. I need to put that unconditional love into action and live it in reality, not just in my mind.
I’m walking back because my mother asked me to take care of my family…to hold us all together. I promised her that I would. At least I aim to try.
All my relations…