My friend and I were discussing the intense libidos of very spiritual people. Unusual conversation, I know, but I’m a very spiritual person and I have a very intense libido…so its a topic of interest for me. In this instance we were discussing the fact that many times very spiritual people struggle intensely with libido and with the wildish passionate energy of a wakening soulfulness. That spiritual awakening shakes everything up so much, it is sometimes hard to know what’s real and what the boundaries are. That spiritual energy can join forces with the natural libido and really distract a person, make him or her promiscuous or lead to real folly. Hard to imagine that something that’s supposedly so pure and full of wisdom could create such discordance, but it can. It is not easy to balance. So my friend and I were discussing all this in relationship to teachers I’ve had and also in relationship to my own significant difficulties with finding my balance with sexual and relationship matters.
We concluded that it takes time and a very strong will to follow our natural ethics in sexual and heart matters.
I concluded that I wasn’t sure I had a will equal to my libido and to the impulsiveness of my heart.
I didn’t. I was right. *smiles*
Today I was thinking about this conversation and about others I’ve had since. For instance about a year ago, a man I’d fallen for told me he didn’t trust me because I fell for him too fast. I was perplexed by that. I didn’t really understand it. Others have said that to me to. It led me to question myself. Again…because it wasn’t the first time I’d heard that actually. As I do with many matters like this, I deeply contemplated it and asked teachers for guidance, read books, and just watched myself. I don’t know I’ve come to final conclusions, but I think I’ve got some understandings.
One is that I have tried very hard to learn what it really means to love. As a girl, love was both abundance and also scarce in other ways. Those around me were affectionate, but not intimate, attentive, but not close confidants. It was an odd combination of aloofness and love. I took those same habits into my adulthood and watched all sorts of things unfold that meant disappointments for me about loving.
I absorbed every lesson. I feel fascinated about love you see. I always have. It seems the most important matter in my life. I thought it was many other things at various points in my life, but its not. I understand completely now that loving is the most important thing to me…
So I’ve contemplated it in meditation for about 20 years. In one fashion or another, that contemplation has effected how I view my relationships and how I love. Gradually, my heart has opened and become unguarded. At first that scared me terribly to realize this was so. Then I was like the fool jumping off a cliff. I just followed love no matter where it took me without any regard for my well-being. Chastened by alot of hurt, I grew protective again for awhile, but I’ve come full circle to this…but with a different viewpoint.
I am indeed open. I am mostly unguarded too. I see the center of others…I see the purity of being in that center. Its charming and adorable, just as the innocence of a child is. Its unfettered and so I love the way the Buddha taught…It is a form of compassion.
That’s where my ease of falling in love starts.
Once that person has touched my heart, then other times we connect deepens the loving. I’m not impulsive or foolish…I’m simply open.
I am aware that I have the capacity to be in love with the whole world. That is humbling and it scares me sometimes because the world is often a place that makes me weep and which scares me terribly. I have become ignorant of world events because I’ve got so I can hardly stand to listen to the news. Its heartbreaking to me that people do things to the planet and to each other which are so vicious and ill conceived and so very selfish. In the depths of my being I sincerely don’t understand it. And also I can see the shadows of my own viciousness, my own folly and my own selfishness. I know I’m no different than anyone else…and that’s where compassion dawns in me again…
So what’s my point anyway?
Mmmm….I think that my point is musing aloud about how I managed to fall in love again so soon after meeting someone.
I didn’t do it on purpose. Its totally untested by life and circumstance. Its mostly that compassion one feels, the fun of new relationship energy and a deep respect for the man I’ve come to know so far.
That same capacity which caused me to love this man can shift the feelings from a sexual to a platonic love…it can open me to loving someone else too. I don’t assume my feelings will lead to any particular outcome. I just care for him and wish his happiness. I love his company and feel happy when he wants mine. I am excited to get to know him better as time and his willingness allows.
Simple really….to others it seems impulsive or that I am fickle or must not be choosy enough…but to me, there’s really no other response to a special person. It would be illogical not to love him. He’s a pretty terrific person.